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Silent lessons I vowed to never forget

Lesson one – Never forget those who were good to you. 

An old memory just arose in my mind.

It was primary school and we were all just children. I was playing with people that I inherently knew didnt want me as a companion. People who weren’t the kind of friends I wanted or needed.

I met a girl in a year above me and we played in the playground for a little while. The games were always pure and we were always just being unabashedly children. I really enjoyed her friendship and she was always really kind. She even gave me a matching bracelet to wear. 

But one day one of my “friends’ told me to back off because of some false fact they knew and I believed her and distanced myself from probably someone who could have been someone truly dear to me. 

Its insignificant in the scheme of things. We were young and the choices we made were not ones ever to be set in stone. It’s something only I probably remember but it really taught me to appreciate what life gives you. 

I wanted true friendship, a real person who wasn’t caught up in being someone who wasn’t them and the universe gave it to me and I chose the thing that had caused me pain and internal conflict instead. Not only that but I disrespected the only person at that time that showed me where I really wanted to be. 

After that time I always naturally kept those I really loved and appreciated close to me. They deserve it after all. No one HAS to unconditonally love you. 

Return a good deed tenfold.

A good deed left unpaid will become a legacy you live for. 

Lesson 1 was one of mine.

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Gender

Whewww boy. 

Ive pondered about this subject a lot and have come to some pretty peaceful conclusions about it all. But with the whole lord of the flies remake talk, seems like a pretty good time to write my perception of it all.

First off I am a woman, was born a woman and always held out some pride of being one. Saying that I have many prominent masculine sides of me. My sternness, my rigidness – the part of me that doesn’t back down for what I stand for. It’s a part of me that is strong, focused and disciplined.

It’s the perfect balance of that masuline side though that I think really helps me in being a great woman. The same with men, I often really find myself appreciating men that are intune with a certain part of themselves that are soft, easy, open – the feminine essence so to speak. These type of men, however they own it,often stand out and seem to me balanced and very self secure. 

So I personally believe its a balance of self that excudes power not necessarily the gender that represents it. 

Lets be honest both sides can play whatever game suits them best, I personally don’t see the issue everyone has. 

Another thing regarding gender is that truly the barriers we feel regarding it are the barriers we put there ourselves. We are human beings before all else. And there are certain underlying traits we ALL have in common. It doesn’t matter if its a friend or a partner or even someone you are simply wholy comfortable with. When human beings are close and comfortable with each other there is an emotional pull that we feel that goes beyond gender. It goes beyond the physical persona you were born with. And you simply love the person for the person.

Love without condition is a human beings natural connection to one another. 

So if gender is a condition that you need checked in order to appreciate another being then it only makes sense that you would feel the seperation and the injustice of being one gender or the other. 

Gender aint a thang to be worrying about peeps. That’s my view. ✌

Now

Time swims by like the wind

clear, invisible

Love surrounds the present

Back towards the past, protective

Future created from thoughtful moments

Ever lasting paradise

all created by self. 

Trod through hell and picked up my story

to tell to others,

so that they know that hellfire burns

from our hearts 

and that heavens trumpets 

resound from our soul.

Concious living is a treasure

Accidental existence is a punishment 

for our absent minds 

All of experience

sources from I

How you hold the pearl 

is

your game to play. 

I like to hold it to the sun 

so that rainbows ripple over

its perfection. 

The youth will save this earth

The youth will save this land. 

When the elders and the forefathers hands become too weak to reprimand 

The youth will save their time 

When the sour mothers become too tired to scream

The youth will save their minds

When the cooperations run our desires to the ground 

The youth will pave the line 

Up to the stars and back to home 

The youth know where to go.

Born with fire in their stomachs and kindness in their eyes. 

Understanding in their hearts and greatness in their hands.

The youth will raise these lands. 
Just a little something I wanted to write after watching some young people from all wakes of life play a game of rounders. 

I think theres alot of stuff going on but in the end things always end up evolving. The young people will outlive those who stand in power now. And I think they’re a pretty good bunch. So no worries peeps. Keep up the one love ❤

The thousand faced self

When I go to my friends to hang out, I wear a jokey, alive and snarky face. 

When I head downstairs in my house – where I know my family are sitting, I wear a stoney face, serious with little to no emotion. 

When I go outside in the general public, I wear my resting bitch face, it’s much easier to get shit done with. 

When someone nice approaches me for help or assistance, I often feel my face lighten up, to look as kind and as open as possible. 

When someone dodgy approaches me, you might aswell give me a cap to wear as no eye contact or expressions will be made while conversing with that individual. 

There are many faces to my being. They contort. They change. They shift from one to another as easily as a wave rises and falls. 

When alone who am I. What faces do I make when thoughtful or sad, frustrated or glad. Must one mask be the chosen representative. 

Like water we mold. To the walls that hold us in and around. We make no sound. 

We simply are shapeshifters. 

Mental Health Awareness – A piece I wrote after psychosis

In December 2015 I had experienced something life changing. I have never been through anything like this in my life. It taught me a lot about myself. And more than anything I was reborn with a new humility I have never felt before. In December I was sectioned and treated for psychosis. The worst of it lasted for about two weeks. I got better and was able to go back home right before the new year. 

Coming back home and dealing with such a huge internal scar really shook me. This was a piece I wrote right after the whole shindig;

When you are left raw with nothing but insanity running through your membranes you find yourself not caring about the world that people live in. You create your own manic destiny to which you are the star. You fight and you scream. You make allies and foes. You believe the world to be your own chess game to which your mastermind strategies make you unbeatable. You lie and lie and those you know weep with the loss of who you were. But you didn’t care because who you were was something and someone you weren’t even acquainted too. 
You don’t know that your actions, thoughts, feelings are nothing but erratic personified nightmares of your past. You don’t know that the delusions you so strongly believed in were the blockages of your beaten up down trodden past child who cried for you to listen. She screamed just like you did that night when they grabbed your arms and protected your head as you crashed to rock bottom. Why bother when you had already cracked? 

When a simple story line can protect you from being hurt. When a role in life can stop you from attending to the feeling human within. It’s so much easier being numb. To laugh, to critique, to bitch, to be filled with rage. But when the mind tires of your constant story telling it creates new realities. The glamourized story of a crazy bitch inside prison. It’s what you get for ignoring her for so long. Your young you. The child you never nurtured. The being that bled with scraped knees and bloody hands from being dragged through your mud and then silenced with tape made from your own self-loathing betraying hands. You didn’t want to feel. So don’t

You can’t feel your own scream, the stab of needles or the lies that pass through your teeth. You cannot feel the groaning of your bones as you walk miles upon miles disturbing others as you pass. You don’t notice the looks of bewilderment, the looks of disapproval or the looks of fear. If you felt, mortification would be the only thing experienced. And it’s deserved. So feel now for the child you did not listen to. Feel the shame and guilt as it is what you failed at. You failed your being, your soul. You left her in the cold on a doorstep. 

Retribution is hard. Justice has always been stony. And karma speeds towards you at the strength you pummelled it. Deal with your actions no matter how old or ancient. If it mattered then it will arise and taunt you and play with your heart and mind. Walking past the crossroad you needed to go down won’t save you. It simply gives you a dead end. 

Haha its quite angsty I know but… It’s really how I felt. I felt like my whole life I was shoving down the part of me that was screaming I’m hurting. I felt that I was bigger than being an over emotional child and I should just stay neutral and flat line at all times. It doesn’t matter how I felt it’s much more productive to be cold. 

And that eventually caught up to me. My soul slapped me across the face and said ‘IM TIRED’. 

I think we all go through traumas in our life. No matter how big or small, certain things scar us and never leave. It’s good to deal with it. To be with yourself and understand why it took a huge part of you. It doesn’t matter the who, what, where, why and how. If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. No shame in it. 

To run from those inner demons is the worst thing to do. Because on the darkest night it’s those experiences that are either your souls biggest strength or biggest weakness. 

Stay peaceful peeps, take care of your mind ❤ Know that in whatever you’re going through, you are never alone. 


Life rambles 

Do the motions of life get to you sometimes? 

Welp. They do for me. At this moment of time that is. Living for the sake of living gets quite boring when you don’t have things that truly feed your soul. 

I’ve always been a jack of all trades. Everything I try always results to a decent level of competence. So its difficult for me to pick a certain thing and run with it for the long run. 

All my life I ran with one dream – practising law, and now that I realised it was merely the whole pressure of trying to figure out who you are and what you want to be as a child. That it was merely a perception of whats right in society’s eyes, its like starting from the ground up. 

I hate feeling lost. Ive done a lot of soul searching before and luckily theres a part of me that reassures me that theres no place I need to be but here to learn what I need to learn. It doesn’t shake the fact that I’m still feeling pretty helpless floating in the abyss of things trying to do whatever to try and get my life on track. 

I wouldn’t even know where to start. Theres a vast amount of subjects I’m intereted in, but I’m not interested in getting myself in even more debt with university unless I’m certain I need it to move forward. 

How do people even expect kids to get this right when they’re in school?! I’m 22 and I’m still figuring it out. 

I do get the impression that whatever I’ll be involved in, it will be an evolving career where I don’t just stay behind a cubicle and waste away 6 days a week 9 – 5. What kind of life is that? I see those people and they look miserable. And I already went crazy so I’m not interested in being taken back to the mad house, thankyouverymuch. 

I watched an interview with Mark Cuban once and he said soon in the future it will be degrees like philosophy and creative subjects where the worth will be, as everything will most likely be automated by machines. That makes sense to me. Soon machines will be programmed to do just about anything. But what they can’t do is imitate soul or passion. At least artists and creative people will finally get a break.

I’ve always admired creative people. I love the beauty and the talent they create with their bare hands. To vision something and bring it to life is a blessed thing. Thats why whenever I come across another soul who is stuck in between a crossroad between doing what money gets and what their passion gives them. I would always advise passion. The money will always follow you if you choose your inner greatness and talent. 

I know I’ve gone on quite the tangent but its because if I had one of those God given talents atleast I would have some sort of direction right now. Because I’d be able to take my own advice. But like I said, being a jack of all trades its kinda difficult to take a name out of the hat so to speak. 

The thing I think I have to do is just carry on floating, trying out anything that comes my way. The universe has a funny way of bringing you back home to where you need to be. So I’m going to have faith in that. 

Gotta keep the inner flame alive. If theres one job we gotta keep working for, its keeping our spirit aflame. What else would we be here for? 

Not being miserable and empty thats for sure.